Until a week ago, I lived in the West Village with my boyfriend, and we shared the best dog in the world, Lucky. Over the holidays, my boyfriend told me that he had to go on a work trip. He appeared stressed, so I tried to not push him and assumed that he'd back in a few days. A week passed, then ten days. I worried, then, tried to not worry. I distracted myself. I meditated a lot. I wrote. I gave him space, which is extremely hard for me someone like me to do.
Finally, he returned early in the morning, it was grey dawn. I was sleeping as he burst through the apartment door with his largest suitcase. Immediately, I thought that was odd, because he never packed for business trips. Typically, he brought only his briefcase. I realized that he must've planned to be gone a long time; my mind was racing. He didn't make eye contact and pushed me away when I approached him. As he was taking off his tie, I asked him where he'd been. His throat constricted, his voice sounded strange, “France.” I was trying to process this but I was also giddy with excitement because he was finally home. Then, he told me that he wanted me out of his life. He didn't love me anymore. I had to move out, or he would change the locks. I'm not a criminal, I didn't need a threat. I moved the next day.
I thought we were having a rocky time because he was stressed about work. Yet, I always thought things would work out between us. I had no idea that he was capable of doing this. I've never had someone cheat on me. It's difficult and confusing to process, because I still love him, I can't turn my heart off in a moment. I merry-go-round through denial, sadness, pain.
When my mind is wicked, it plays tricks on me; flashing images of my boyfriend and a woman in luxurious hotels. Leaning their heads back, laughing, pouring champagne down their throats. Taking a bubble bath together in a gold tub. Kissing at the top of the Tour Eiffel. Whispering into one another's ears in smoky cafes with fogged up windows.
But then, I recall that it probably wasn't that great. I've taken vacations with him. They were fun, but never as much fun as this France trip painted by my imagination. Anyhow, he was back, so whatever happened during the trip, those days were over. They are history. I'm the one resurrecting them in my mind using my creative talents for drama, intrigue, colors.
My heart cries me to sleep. I wish he was holding me. I wish I could hear the dog snoring. I wish I was waking up, walking the dog, and grabbing coffees. I miss the cocoon of our life together. The sweet, small thing shared. I miss those things.
Then, I start to recall all of his character assassinations in the last few weeks. There was definitely a point where a normal gal would have left. But, I can be slow to process relationship changes. He would shout at me, “You are never going to be successful.” “You live in a fantasy world.” “You are not attractive enough.” “You are too old.” “You would have already made it by now.” “I can't be with a loser.” “I fear for you, because you're going to end up alone living on the streets!” This had been going on for weeks. I was just too shocked to accept it.
One clear image comes into my mind. We were upstate, and I had woken up with this great idea for a book; I saw the whole thing and I was telling him about it. He started tearing me apart, “Nobody cares what you write or make, when are you going to get that? I'm trying to do you a favor.” For a flash, I saw him, really saw him. We were on the stone patio. His face was red, puffy with anger. I could see his shiny scalp under some hair, the sun or his anger was making it pink, dotted with sweat. His stomach was sticking out of his shirt as he shook his arms at me in the sun. For this moment, I came to, as if my head was suddenly above water, and saw him in plain light. He was a terrible, sick man threatened by my creativity and my ever-buoyant spirit. “I grew up a long time ago and stopped chasing rainbows!” He said and went on and on. Then, in a riptide, fear pulled me back down, submerging me into the dark waters of unworthiness.
At first, his words didn’t affect me. I reasoned he was probably just stressed with work. But then it happened; I started to notice that all his negativity was seeping into my core. That was when a warning light went off within me. I knew I could not let his opinions start to make a home inside of me, lay eggs, breed, fester. Nonetheless, I tried to be as helpful as I could. (Note: that what I chose to do was double-down on denial and people-pleasing.) It angers me to think that I was helping him so much with his business and when the time came that he wanted fun and adventure, he reached out to another woman. For those of you who don’t know me, I've a Masters in Fun and Adventure.
When he was throwing me out, he explained that I was never good enough for him. He'd found someone a lot better than me. He told me that I'm a failure and he needs to be with a winner. He said he felt sorry for me because I was just another psychotic woman growing older and uglier in NYC loving some guy who doesn't love her back. I thought we were in a loving relationship with problems, but many of which were improving. I respected him. I thought he was an honest man. He told me that I should imagine all the worst things possible that he could have done, if that would help me get over him. In a flash of lucidity, I said, “Get over yourself.” For a moment, I remembered the greatness of who I am. And I said, “Your loss.”
But, that strength vanished as I walked on Fifth Avenue. Reeling. Terrified. Heartbroken. I wanted to get fucked up. I wanted my arm above my head, holding a bottle of vodka upright emptying it into my mouth, throat wide open. I had to stop drinking four and a half years ago. This is the first break up that I've had sober. I've drank over a lot of relationships. The pain is bedrock deep. I thought this guy was the one for me. But, I have to trust that if we were meant to be together, this never would have happened. I keep sensing a higher plan at work, doing for me what I could not do for myself.
I bummed a cigarette from a construction worker with an orange vest, though I don't smoke. I called my friends. I called my mom.
I ran into an old woman I know whom also doesn’t drink. I felt like such a lunatic, I tried to avoid her. She ended up taking me to lunch. She told me about her two divorces. Without knowing me very well, she said, waving her hand, “Eh, you have wandered around France drunk plenty of times.” She was right. She said, “He resents the fact that you don’t drink. He did this to push you out of his life completely.”
Over the last few days, I keep recalling a guy that I sat next to in a coffee shop a few months ago. He asked me the directions to a certain store. His eyes were bright blue. He was incredibly handsome. He said, “I just moved from LA to NYC. My wife of nine years, I loved her more than anything. I found out she was cheating with one of my friend for over two years. I decided that I must turn this into a positive thing in my life. I have to change for the better.” I couldn't believe his strength. I am not quite there. My eyes are not as bright as his, yet.
The worst part is that I still have not seen the dog. I completely took care of Lucky. I'm no closer to comprehending how my boyfriend, my best friend, my lover, my life, could treat me this way. The moment he walked into the door from his trip, I was just so plain happy to see him. I loved him. It felt pure. Real. But, that was my love. I am pure, real, and no pain will ever prevent me from pouring love out more.
I'll thrilled to announce that I have an investor who is willing to MATCH a $2500 donation. http://www.hatchfund.org/project/central_park_dark This is the LAST WEEK to donate to my film! Take a moment and watch my video if you like it consider donating. XO
This morning, I was interviewed at BRIC Arts Media House about upcoming filmmakers. It was such a fun and fantastic morning. I spoke about my new horror film, Central Park Dark. I'm crowdfunding at this moment. If you haven't had a chance to watch my film, check it out. I've some new developments in the works, when they are finalized I will keep you posted.
In other news, I want to know what some of your New Year's Resolutions are..and how you are going to keep them?
Keep me posted.
I'm thrilled to announce that because of certain new developments, Hatchfund has extended my crowdfunding campaign. http://www.hatchfund.org/project/central_park_dark Your gift is 100% tax-deductible. Also, I want to thank everyone who has contributed and those who intend on doing so. I hope this new year is going to be your best yet.
Facebook sent my friends a message that I moved to LA. I rarely mention my whereabouts on any social media so this was odd. I couldn't see it on my page but a friend sent me a picture.
So, ever since, I've had a lot of dreams that take place in LA. Last night, I was driving along the coast in my friend's jeep. Once, in real life, I was at this party in Malibu and I decided to take a break from all the people and go for a walk. I found this great spot to sit for a while under this enormous tree. I rested there a long while.
In my dream, I was looking for the driveway to this house so I could sit under the tree. I put the jeep in reverse. Suddenly, the brakes weren't working. I was speeding backwards in the jeep. I had this idea that I should steer the jeep up onto the slope of the steep hill on the side of the road so that the jeep would slow down. I saw a dirt road and steered the jeep towards it. This worked and the jeep slowed to a stop. While I was on the dirt road, a leopard jumped into the front seat and sprawled across the passenger seat. It gnawed on my hand playfully and I knew not to act afraid. Then, it lounged onto my lap and I petted its spotted fur. I was so happy to have this new friend.
I had another dream that I was in LA and I needed to get dressed. So, I went to warehouse that had bikinis for 99 cents. I didn't even try them on. I just grabbed a bunch with different prints. I turned down this street and these huge waves were crashing on the beach. A group of people were body surfing. I decided to join them and not be afraid of the mammoth waves. I drifted out into the ocean. Suddenly, I had no intention of returning to shore.
Now, I am no Miss Believer of the Meanings in Dreams. Except that these seem to have clear messages about facing fears and going outside your comfort zones. So, this is my message for you for the New Year. I could write more about my project's new developments but I've gone on long enough! Til' next time... http://www.hatchfund.org/project/central_park_dark
Howdy! If you have yet to watch my Hatchfund video, take a moment:
Reason #1: You'd be a part of an incredible film. I believe this could be the next horror franchise. If that sounds too grandiose, consider this: the biggest horror films of the last decade, such as Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, had budgets of less than $25K, had no recognizable names, and were shot with non-professional productions.
What makes my film unique is its scope and simplicity. I say its scope because it tackles large issues such as isolation, alcoholism, infidelity, and religion. I also say simplicity because there are just two main characters, few locations, no special effects, and just simple shots.
Reason #2: Your gift is 100% tax-deductible! If you are looking for an end of the year tax write off - this is it.
Reason #3: The Central Park Dark Raffle! When the folks at Hatchfund recommended that I hold a raffle, I couldn't even recall what that was. So, let me explain: Everyone that makes a contribution from today until next Tuesday of ANY AMOUNT will be entered into the Raffle to win the PERKS of the $1000 contribution. Depending on how many people contribute - the chance of winning may be high! The $1,000 Perk includes: an original painting by the director (which will be featured in the film, subject to final edit), an official Central Park Dark mug, a signed copy of the completed film on DVD, an opportunity to be an EXTRA in the film, a 16" x 9" still from the film and an official Central Park Dark tee-shirt, a "MADE POSSIBLE BY" in the credits, a total of 3 tickets to our NY premiere screening and exclusive after party (we can not provide travel or accommodations unfortunately.)
4th Reason: Your donation could make a really cool and unique holiday gift. Check out the perks! You could give the gift of being an extra in the film. You could give the gift of an original painting...
5th Reason: I want to mention that I WILL be able to keep all the money that I raise. So, if that's what's holding you back from giving, please stop your worrying and donate;-)
Finally, I'm looking for individuals who want to be a part of this film in a bigger way: as a producer, as a partner. And get that PRODUCER credit on imdb. This is what I'd call a Holiday Miracle. To be a part of this:http://www.hatchfund.org/project/central_park_dark